Balancing the Beast

Balancing the Beast

Manic depression just like ice takes a lot of balancing.

Hi everyone,

at the moment, I feel I need to take some rest. Why rest? Again?

We are in the final phase of releasing the book. And according to the plan, this final phase will be 5 months long.  On top of I-do-not-know-how-many months. Why will this final phase take us 5 months? Because it is official now. The publication date is scheduled to be on the 4th of July 2011. That means the book will hopefully be ready before summer holidays. And the title of the book is: Balancing the Beast. The subtitle: A Bright View of Schizoaffective Disorder – Bipolar or Manic-Depressive Type. The book is now in the hands of Bubina Baita publishing company, which is actually my husband. Which is good, so the burden of many tasks awaiting to be done before the publication date will be somehow less heavy for me.

Another reason to take some rest is the fact, that the 3rd Phyllis Krystal seminar will be held in Munich this March. It is more than one month until the seminar, but I feel my brain needs to avoid too much stress in this time period before the seminar takes place. Sometimes I feel I won’t even have enough energy to go to Munich. Next day, I feel better and I am determined to go. We will see what happens.

Taking rest is actually one way to balance the manic beast 🙂

I hope you are doing fine. Take care,


One Response to “ “Balancing the Beast”

  1. Jean says:

    Yes it is very common . in fact inonsmia is a symoptom of Bipolar. However, just having inonsmia does not mean you have Bipolar .. there are many other symptoms you have to have too. Everyone has moods like those of Bipolar Disorder . because everyone has mood swings, momentary loss of judgment, likes to go shopping, likes sex, feels down sometimes, gets angry now and then and is hyper on occasion. The difference is that all of these symptoms in Bipolar are so intense that they interfere with your ability to function. Think of a pole (biPOLEr) with 0 at the center (0 being normal) and 10 at one end (manic) and -10 at the other (deep depression). Most people have swings but stay within 3 to -3. I have fairly severe Bipolar 1 but since my psychosis is mild I go from -9 to 9 . Also depression that comes and goes is not bipolar but just recurring depression, you have to have mania for it to be Bipolar .. you have to go to both ends of the pole.Rapidly changing emotions or becoming angry or sad easily is not all there is to Bipolar. That is just having emotions. People with Bipolar Disorder do not just change emotions quickly, they go through periods of depression followed by periods of mania or elevated mood. Mood affects everything about you . your energy level, self esteem, sleep patterns, appetite, sexuality, emotional response, judgment, etc .. not just your emotions. And while rapid cycling is possible, it is rare. The average person with Bipolar only cycles two or three times a year and the moods last for weeks or months. It is considered rapid cycling if they cycle 4 or more times in a year.While everyone with Bipolar has a different set of symptoms and a different severity of symptoms, this is what Bipolar is like for me:Depression too tired to get out of bed, shower, even to brush my teeth. Cry all the time, sleep 16 hours a day. Feelings of self loathing and guilt that drive me to think of suicide but I’m to tired to even think about how to go about killing myself. It makes you feel small and worthless and completely insignificant. It makes you think about how big the world is and how meaningless you are in it .. and it refuses to let you have any good thoughts or see any good things . when you look in the mirror all you see is pain, you don’t even see yourself, you don’t taste your favorite foods anymore, see that flowers are blooming, whether or not the sun is out, you become so inward that you hardly even notice your surroundings .. You don’t even feel love for people anymore . positive thoughts are just not possible it is a deep dark hole with no way out and no light for hope . and most of all it makes you feel sooooo alone. And even if there were someone who cared about you they would be better off if you killed yourself . because all you will ever be is a burden . this can last from a couple of weeks to a couple of years.Mania Way too happy! PARTY GIRL! love drink and drugs. Talk really fast and pressured because my thoughts are going faster than my mouth can keep up with. Hypersexual like I sleep with strangers and guys I just met on the internet or I masturbate 10 times a day. I once became bisexual because there were twice as many people to sleep with. down load porn and spend tons of money on sex toys. Spending sprees .. I once spent my mortgage money on african violets, yep, $1500 on African violets (then I got depressed and let them all die). Quit my job because I wanted my vacation pay for lottery tickets and I was so convinced I would win that I started shopping and writing bad checks because I’d be rich as soon as the numbers were drawn. Decided that I could replace the furnace in my home by myself I mean how hard can it be .. Only sleep 2 or maybe 3 hours a night for months on end and never feel tired. In the end I was unemployed, $30,000 in debt, and had almost lost my home, which needed a new furnace because I had removed the old one.. or parts of it anyway. This can last for months.I also have mixed states when I am depressed and manic at the same time which are truly the worst By body and mind are depressed but there is this undercurrent of energy running all the time .. I’m highly emotional but the emotions tend to be negative (guilt and anger) I have intrusive thoughts and urges to mutilate myself (like wanting to stick my hands in the garbage disposal or cooking them on the BBQ), and I also have psychotic episodes where I hallucinate. This is when I am most suseptible to suicide because I am depressed, wanting to hurt myself, and I have the mental energy to plan and carry it out.

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