Inner Inquisition

The majority of my fears are fears of making a mistake. I have come to a conclusion that the majority of my fears are fears of making a mistake. I am not most worried about others forgiving me. I am more worried about my inner inquisition: Will I be able to forgive myself? Will I try to find my fault in something which is clearly the fault of somebody else or is simply destiny or a coincidence?

Had I not gone to Northern Germany that October of 1996 (see: Balancing the Beast), would my mental illness ever emerge? Is it my fault that I have to deal with it now? Or was it only a matter of time, when schizoaffective disorder would pop up and destroy the biochemical equilibrium in my brain? I am actually more and more inclined to believe that it was only a matter of time: a surplus of stress would trigger it off sooner or later.

Yet, there is another inquisition I simply cannot get rid of, no matter how much I meditate according to the Phyllis Krystal method. I have cut the ties to: harsh self-criticism, the habit of worrying, the role of a perfectionist, the habit of taking things too seriously. In addition to that I receive unconditional love every morning in the exercise called The Maple. Yet, every time I speak to a person other than my husband, I remember many parts of the conversation and I go over everything I have said trying to find something that would make me feel guilty. If I go on like this, I will pretty soon become a very silent person. And I have never been chatty to begin with.

Well, I guess it is better, if I write. That way I can always double and triple-check everything before it is published. Still, I would be very grateful for any suggestions from you on how to take it easier while chatting.

Warning for those with mental health problems: please consult your psychiatrist before trying the Phyllis Krystal method.

Take care,

Helena Smole, author of:

– a fantasy novel with romance Vivvy and Izzy the Dwarf: A series about relationships

Balancing the Beast, a book offering a bright view of schizoaffective disorder ˗ bipolar or manic-depressive type

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