How to live?

To be or not to be –
It is a rare dilemma to see.
The question of life is how?
To burn in the here and now?
Or to smoulder in fear of tomorrow?

When I was really young I used to think I could work all the time. Resting was optional. Until at the age of 22 bipolar disorder with psychotic traits broke out. First I had a raging mania and then I was lying in bed all the time. I experienced two extremes that were both very difficult to bear. Ever since I have been trying to balance the extremes in order to have a more normal life. So I do burn, but just a little and then I continue the safe smouldering. It is important to take enough rest after each creative phase of writing. Sometimes, when I am in the middle of writing and it feels like I could continue, I stop and resume writing the next day. Yes, it is tempting to keep writing for more than two hours, when I am inspired, but I stop. This is my way of Balancing the Beast.

I feel that the passion to create is like fire. It can do a lot of good, if you keep it in the fireplace. If you let the sparkles set the furniture on fire though, you can lose everything. And I am not prepared to lose everything. Not again. Well, I never lost a home and loving parents and brother, but I lost all concentration and ability to work. I also lost all energy and doing anything else but lying in bed seemed impossible. The memories of the mental illness episodes are still too alive to let me get careless with the fire in me. You can read more in my book: Balancing the Beast.

Take care,
Helena Smole, author of Balancing the Beast, a book offering a bright view of schizoaffective disorder ˗ bipolar or manic-depressive type