The relationship between a psychiatrist and a patient is a very complex thing. I will probably never understand it fully. However as a patient I have come to a conclusion that in my opinion is very important. I believe it helps if we see ourselves as equally clever as our psychiatrists. It might seem too bold of me to say a thing like that, but let me explain. The psychiatrist has enormous theoretical knowledge and also broad knowledge of differences between individual patients. However I as a patient am the only one that is present 24 hours a day. In other words: I can observe myself all the time,...

Yesterday my husband and I were ascending a hill nearby. The path was steep. I got tired even before we reached the peak of the hill. However after the magnificent views had opened up on the top of the hill my fatigue vanished. I was delighted to be able to see “the big picture” of our town and of the neighborhood. It was a very clear day. One could see very far away. At that point I understood how the landscape in the neighborhood was formed. I could see where our block of flats is situated and how you can get from one end of the town to the other. The whole scene much resembled those moments in...

I was standing in front of the fireplace in the ambassador’s house. A woman who was also invited, seemed genuinely interested in my story. I told her I was writing a book about my life. “So young and already writing a book about your life?” she wondered. I said: “Yes, you now, after a month in Germany I got seriously ill. I ended in a hospital.” At that point the protective glass in front of the fireplace broke into a million of pieces. It was the kind of glass that cars have in front. I was only shocked for a split of a second, right afterwards I felt relieved. The glass broke at precisely...

Some people find “a daily routine” boring. What I experienced today shows the contrary. I have this daily routine habit that I try to keep regardless of weather. I go for a walk. Some days I prefer the forest by the river close to where I live. I call it a magical forest, since it is so quiet. All you can hear is the river, dry branches falling to the ground and the beautiful songs of birds. The path is only reachable by foot, so there is no traffic. If I have more energy I ascend a hill nearby and enjoy the great view of the town beneath and of the Alps in the distance. I walk past isolated...

Have you ever felt you have failed (badly) in your life? I could say I have failed. I have failed to make a career as a scientific researcher. After years of studying to become a researcher all of a sudden the illness hit me. It was schizoaffective disorder and I could not believe it. I somehow came through the first three episodes. However, illness and working day after day in an uncomfortable environment made me say goodbye to my career dreams at the age of 34. Some people think one has to reach the peak of their career between the age of 30 and 40, for after 40 one starts to get old. Now I am...