The Bias of Denial

Whenever you catch yourself in the bias of denial, you can think of my foolishness and act quicker. I have my reading glasses now alright, but it has taken me a year to get them. How so? It has been because of my denial. Let me tell you the whole story.

Approximately a year ago I noticed in the evening, in electric light that my vision was a bit blurred. I was looking a word up in a German paper dictionary. I was helping my husband translating a German text, a report from a German company his company is working for. I have been helping him a lot, also with reading German books. He is learning this new language because of new clients. I act like a live dictionary and grammar. It makes me very happy to be of any use as a German language teacher, which is my profession. Anyway, back to my blurry vision. That evening I ascribed the difficulty to read to small font and to being tired in the evening. Later, whenever I was reading from that thick book, I always had the same excuse. And I kept struggling with focusing my eyes on the small font. Since I only needed the dictionary now and then, it somehow worked out.

Most of the time I was using a German-Slovene paper dictionary, which has a larger font. But soon even that font became too small. My vision was deteriorating, but I refused to acknowledge that fact. Again I blamed the light and tiredness.

I also must have had problems behind the computer, but I was pushing it gradually away from me, so I somehow managed to read. The process of pushing was slow and unconscious, thus I only know about it now.

The most problematic thing was that my vision was getting better and worse. Thus I thought it was tiredness, slight eye infection due to a cold, I even blamed the PMS. I was able to find all possible excuses, only seeing an eye doctor never seemed like an option. I thought I was too young to require reading glasses.

Until a fortnight ago I finally caught myself cheating on myself. I noticed that I moved the hand away from me to read on my Kindle e-book reader. This time all the excuses ceased and I had only one very clear thought in my head: ‘Only farsighted people keep moving their hand until the arm cannot be stretched anymore!’ Suddenly all excuses evaporated. And I went to see an eye doctor. He did all the tests and the result was +1.25. The lady who was selling me glasses later told me that people usually come for help, when their result is +0.75. Boy, it has taken me a long time. The only advantage to waiting for an eye exam so long is that I learned about the bias of denial firsthand and I lived to tell the story. Whenever you catch yourself in a denial circuit, you can think of my foolishness and act quicker.

Take care,

Helena Smole, author of:

– a fantasy novel with romance Vivvy and Izzy the Dwarf: A series about relationships

Balancing the Beast, a book offering a bright view of schizoaffective disorder ˗ bipolar or manic-depressive type

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